“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface but paddling like the dickens underneath.”

~Michael Caine

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The grass may look greener...

...but it's probably brown. This seems to be a topic of discussion lately amongst my fellow bloggers, my family and my friends. Why is it that we always desire to have the things we don't? I know I shouldn't be jealous of my friends for the money, the education or the freedom they have; but I am sometimes. So what? Of course it would be great to not have so much responsibility and to have more money than I need. Why shouldn't I be wishful thinking? Is it because I have two beautiful amazing kids and a magnificent husband? Does that mean I shouldn't think about having other things? So I dream, big deal! What's so bad about that? Is there some statute that says that dreaming is bad? I've never heard one. I'm utterly thankful that I have such a marvelous life. Especially when there are so many people in the world who are without. Sometimes it's hard, emotionally, but for the most part I've got it pretty easy. I don't have to worry about much. Ty takes care of all the money and keeps me informed of anything pertinent. More importantly, he takes care of our kids (extremely well I might add). We both have nice cars and a house on the top of a hill at the end of a cul-de-sac. But I still dream of someday going to and finishing college (unlikely). Maybe becoming a nurse (doubtful). Vacationing in Hawaii, or Fiji, or Tahiti, in a bikini...(probably never). Owning some extremely successful cupcake making business and not have to work another day in my life (impossible). Of course there are other things but I'm sure that you would be bored senseless reading a list all of the things I would like to have or do. A girl can dream right? Why do I want all these things? I don't really. I believe that it's our dreams that keep us grounded. For me, dreaming is kind of like getting away in a fantasy world where everything is perfect. In my dreams everything is handed to me on a gilded plate, fed to me with a silver spoon from a hand covered in precious stones. I know in my head that this is not reality and if it were I don't think I would really like it. There is suprizing satisfaction in doing things for yourself, whatever those things may be.

I've realized that bringing your dreams to fruition takes work and time. Sometimes brutal work and grueling years. Unfortunately, I'm not patient enough nor do I have the drive or the discipline or the determination, etcetera. I could go on and on about the reasons and excuses why I don't attempt to achieve my dreams. Does that make me a weak person? Maybe. Or, maybe not. Maybe I'm happy with those things just being dreams. Or, perhaps I'm just not ready to give it a go. Insert Cliche Here ------> If it's meant to be it will be.

Somethings are just easier for other people. Like the kid in school who struggles to get a 'C' and the other who gets an 'A' without cracking open a book. So, I guess that the thing that was easy for me is finding and falling in love with the man of my dreams. Effortless to create the most beautiful children with him. I gambled hard and took huge risks. I was 18 when I met him on America Online. From the moment I typed my first words to him in the chat room to the time that I flew across the country and saw his gorgeous face for the first time was only 27 days. A mere 19 days later and I had packed up all of my belongings and moved to California. I was taking a chance that had extreme potential for danger. Some people would not be able to make a jump like this with eyes wide open. For all I knew he could have been a serial killer or some other such criminal. But, I guess it's just my personality. It's always been easy for me to make choices that could end up being tragically wrong. For some, it's not so easy to make a decision without a plan or thinking it through. Just like it's not easy for me to apply myself in an educational setting. I've always been a 'by the seat of my pants' kind of girl. Spontaneous. Last Minute. Lucky.

I guess I'll keep dreaming and being thankful. I'm afraid to change anything for fear of losing it all. Until now, I've never really had anything to lose. I've come to accept that I'll NEVER wear a bikini again, I'll always be impulsive, and I'll probably never further my education. I think I'm smart enough to realize that I have worked hard for what I've got thus far and like a diploma, no one can take that away from me. In the end, I guess I'm just thankful for what I don't have.

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