“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface but paddling like the dickens underneath.”

~Michael Caine

Monday, September 20, 2010

Common Phrases in the Haus of Schaeffer...

Here is a top 10 list of phrases that have been spoken, or perhaps yelled, in my house on more than one occasion.

10. "Stop touching your penis!"

9. "Don't jump on the bed!"

8. "That is not a toy!"

7. "Stop running in the house!"

6. "Don't throw your toys!"

5. "Stop jumping off the couch!"

4. "Get your hand out of your milk!"

3. "No, you cannot pee in the bathtub!"

2. "Stop splashing in the bathtub!"

And finally...drumroll please...

1. "I LOVE YOU!"

Sorry for the mush. I couldn't help myself.

We're off to see the wizard...

...the wonderful wizard of...WTF?!?

They made me stop in my tracks.  The moment I saw them, I was drawn into the gravitational pull of their awesomness.  That's when it started...

Right Brain: "Oh my gosh. Aren't these beauuuutiful?!"

Left Brain: "Yeah, yeah...they're shiny and red and pretty. Keep walking."

Right Brain: "No, I have to touch them."

Left Brain: "No, keep walking."

Right Brain: "Come on, I just wanna get a closer look."

Left Brain: "You need another pair of red shoes like you need a hole in the head."

Right Brain: "Oh, but these are so much more shiny and sparkly than the ones I have."

Left Brain: "You don't NEED red shoes.  You need brown or beige ones.  For the wedding that you are going to next weekend...remember?"

Right Brain: "But these are so much more exciting than BORING brown or BLAND beige. Besides, you wouldn't let me get the RED dress that I wanted for the wedding."

Left Brain: "Remember what happened last time you wore a RED dress to a friends wedding?"

Right Brain: {sigh} "I know, I know...that's why I let you talk me in to the dreary, lifeless thing on the hanger in the closet."

Left Brain: "Seeeee...now let's go. I'm hungry."

Right Brain: "Shut up, I'm just looking." {turns shoe over to look at the price}

Left Brain: {audible gasp} "$300?!?"

Right Brain: "Yeah but it's Stuie."

Left Brain: "Who?"

Right Brain: "Stuart Weitzman."

Left Brain: "Stuart Who? Who is that?"

Right Brain: "You know, Stuart Weitzman. The shoe designer that has a magical ability to make the shoes that we, {scoff} I mean...I dream about at night!"

Left Brain: "You don't need to spend $300 on shoes that will make you look like the second coming of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. You have nothing to wear them with anyway."

Right Brain: "So what, they're beauuuutiful."

Left Brain: "Put the shoe down. What would Ty say?"

Right Brain: "Who?"

Left Brain: "Ty, you know...YOUR HUSBAND, the father of your children. What do you think he would say if you spent $300 on red shoes that go with nothing in your closet."

Right Brain: {sigh of defeat}"Oh...yeah. Gosh, don't you have anything better to do than crushing my dreams?"

Left Brain: "When's the last time you wore heels anyway? Like what...a year ago? Forget it. Just put the shoe down and walk away."

Right Brain:  {puts the shoe down}"Ugh...fine."

Left Brain: "You'll thank me later."

Right Brain: "Whatever."

Friday, September 17, 2010

Schaeffer Sh*t-Chat

Ty and I have some very strange and interesting conversations.  I wanted to start a section on my blog with transcripts of these conversations.  I knew I wanted to name this section 'Schaeffer (word that starts with 'S')".  So I started the recorder and asked him, knowing that it would be good blog material. 

Me: "What is another word for talking that starts with 'S'?"

Ty: "Soliloquy?"

Me: "Isn't that some sort of poem? Or some kind of like way of writing, or..."

Ty: "It's when an actor talks to himself."

Me: "No wait, lemme rephrase the question. What's another word for a conversation that starts with 'S'?"

Ty: "What's another word for conversation? Dialogue? Is that what you're talking about?"

Me: "No like another word for talking, conversation, chit-chat...but something that starts with 'S'."

Ty: "Ummm repartee?"

Me: "Yeah, that's an 'R'."

Ty: "Ok...shit-chat?"

Me: {laughing} "That's actually pretty good. Shit-chat?"

Ty: {using his new found word in a sentence} "He wasn't saying anything, he just wanted to shit-chat with me."

Me: {starting to laugh hysterically} "Thats actually really good."

Ty: "Ty's made up words of the day!"

Me: "Uhhh, it's not really a word. Well, you didn't make up the word shit."

Ty: "I did make up the word shit-chat."

Me: "No you didn't, it's not a word its a phrase."

Ty: "It's not a phrase its a word there is a hyphen. Its one word."

Me: {scoff, sigh}

Ty: "Hyphens don't separate words they combine words."

Me: "Ok but, you didn't make up the word shit..."

Ty: "No."

Me: "...and you didn't make up the word chat."

Ty: "No, no."

Me: "You married the words."

Ty: "Chefs don't like, make up spaghetti..."

Me: {giggling again}

Ty: "...ok? They use it in a special way. {imitating someone arguing with a chef?} 'This is just spaghetti...'"

Me: {speaking through laughter} "So you made a word recipe???"

Ty: "Yes...yes, trademark Ty. {imitating the person arguing with the chef again} '...all you did was season tomato sauce.' {imitating the chef} 'Yes, that's what I do.'"

Me: {still laughing}

Ty: {imitating the person arguing with the chef again} "'Its not like you made a tomato.'"

Me: {hysteria} "I love you"

Ty: "I love you too."

Some time goes by where I think I'm actually going to have the opportunity to go to sleep.  Then he starts again.

 Ty: "I need another word for...laxative...that starts with an 'R'."

Me: {laughing again} "What???"

Ty: "You don't have the patent on making rules." {pause} "Pantalones."

Me: "Wait...pantalones is a word that starts with 'R' that also means laxative?"

Ty: "This is my game and my rules."

Me: {giggling again} "Ok..."

Ty: {sighs} "Secrets."

Me: "That's pretty good actually, that might work...I think I still like shit-chat though. It's hard to say shit-chat without it sounding like shit-shat. Ya know?"

Ty: {laughing}

Me: {speaking through laughter} "Like shit in preset tense and shit in past tense." {laughing again}

Ty: "Brittany, it doesn't just talk about all types of content, it transcends time. Present and past."

Me: {still laughing} "Ok..."

Ty: "Shit-shat."

Me: "Shit-shat."

Ty: {imitating} "'We were just sitting around shit-chatting.' No you can say it, I can't say it, but you can say it. I bet Nancy can say it."

Me: "Say what?"

Ty: "F*cking shit-chat. Say it like that."

Me: "Oh like from my class?"

Ty: "Mmm hmm."

Me: "What??? That doesn't work. I guess I woul...{sigh}"

Ty: "Sharing, sharing can be..."

Me: "No, no it's like an action, it needs to be a noun."

Ty: "Talking is not a noun, it's a verb."

Me: "That's what I mean." {laughing again}

Ty: {laughing}

Me: {laughing}

Ty: {imitating me} "'Wait, wait, wait it doesn't have to begin with 'S'...that not what I mean. It just has to be a color.'"

Me: {hysteria}

Ty: {laughing}

Me: "Ok...I love you. Goodnight."

Ty: "Sharing is a verb too, by the way."

Me: "But that's not the kinda verb I meant.  I meant like a..."

Ty: "Do you want an adverb?"

Me: {laughing again} "I meant like, uh...I don't know." {yawn}


At this point I've given up my argument and have finally decided to succumb to slumber.  Or so I thought...

Ty: {the sheets are rustling as he tosses and turns}
Me: "What are you doing?"
Ty: "Getting under the covers for a few minutes before..."
Me: "Oh, stop whining."
Ty: "...you steal them."
Me: "I don't steal the covers. I lay very still all night long. You toss and turn and flip and flop and kick your feet all night long. And I wake up in the same position that I fell asleep in. Almost. I am perfect. Sort of."
There is silence for a little while, but that's just the sound of the delirium kicking in.  This is where things stop making sense.
Ty: "Sorbet. Sorbet is a word that starts with 'S' and is a noun that can't be a verb."
Me: {laughing} "Stop it! I have to go to sleep."
Ty: "It could be a color too."
Me: "Sorbet is a color?"
Ty: "Could be. Pudding is a color."
Me: "Really? But, what if it's like pistachio pudding?  How could pudding, all by itself, be a color?"
Ty: "Red."
Me: "Red pudding?! What???"
Ty: "Red's a color...could be red pistachio pudding."
Me: {laughing} "I've never heard of...OK! Shut up because I have to go to sleep. I love you."
Ty: "Now I'm hungry."
Me: {giggling}
Ty: "You know what you never have in pistachio flavored ice cream?"
Me: "No Ty, what do you never have in pistachio flavored ice cream."
Ty: "Nuts."
Me: "Sure you do."
Ty: "No, there's never pistachio nuts."
Me: "Oh my god, I am going to go to the store and buy pistachio ice cream and show you that there are pistachio nuts in pistachio ice cream."
Ty: "Maybe I'm thinking yogurt."
Me: "Ewww, nuts in yogurt?"
Ty: "Is that what the problem is? It's just the flavor huh? That's what it is. Yogurt."
Me: "I guess they have nuts in granola."
Ty: "Not in yogurt."
Me: "And granola goes good with yogurt."
Ty: "Well, frozen yogurt, I should have said."
Me: "I don't know...No, I like granola in my yogurt yogurt. Not frozen yogurt."
Ty: "As a topping?"
Me: "Yeah."
Ty: "But, it doesn't come in it."
Me: "Right, yeah...that would be weird if it like sat on the shelf for a really long time with the nuts and the..."
Ty: "It's not on a shelf, it's in a machine."
Me: "No, I'm talking about the yogurt that you buy at the grocery store on the shelf."
Ty: "I'm talking about frozen yogurt. I said ice cream but I meant frozen yogurt."
Me: "Oh. No, there's never any nuts in pistachio flavored frozen yogurt. You are correct. Where do you get this stuff?"
Ty: "You're the one that brought up pistachios."
Me: "No I didn't! Did I? How did I bring up pistachios?"
Ty: "The pudding."
Me: "Oh, right. That's right. Ok."
Then we both fell fast asleep.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Spam Wars: Part 2

From: Brittany Schaeffer
To: Raught Legassie
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 8:08 AM
Subject: Re: Your wife photos attached

Dear Mr. Legassie,

It seems as though I've received your message in error. I do not have a wife, as I am female and heterosexual. I'm not sure who's wife is in the photos you have attached. She is quite beautiful. Did you take them? If so, I'd like to inquire about hiring you to photograph my husband. Is it a requirement that he be naked? I'm not sure if he'll be up for that. I'll make it a point to ask him when I get home from work.

I'm not sure why your email ended up in my spam folder. It is quite clear that you are trying send proofs of the photos you took of someones wife.  You may want to check to make sure that the intended recipient got what he needed.  How serendipitous is it that I receive your email at the same time I need a photographer?! Thank goodness I check my spam folder regularly to make sure I don't miss anything important.
I look forward to hearing from you about your pricing and availability.
Notstupid Enough

From: Raught Legassie
To: Brittany Schaeffer
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 8:08 AM
Subject: Your wife photos attached

Your wife photos


11K Download

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Things I've learned and some I have not

NOT LEARNED: Be careful when standing up after sitting indian style, oh wait, criss cross applesauce (stupid political correctness). Apparently, after the age of thirty, you are not so easily able to recover from sitting in this position. Both of your feet fall asleep and when you stand up, you inevitably...fall down. And at age 31, falling down is not graceful. Gravity is the enemy in more ways than just this one.

LEARNED: Children under the age of 4 should not play with scissors for 2 reasons. Reason #1: IT'S DANGEROUS. Reason #2: If the child playing with the scissors also has paper, they will probably make a HUGE mess cutting the paper into tiny little pieces resembling confetti that will somehow end up all over the place making it look like you just celebrated New Year's eve even though it's May and you will continue to find said pieces throughout the house for the next few months.

NOT LEARNED: Pull up's don't work. Despite this profound knowledge, I continue to use them.

LEARNED: Do not send sexy messages to your husband via text message. See example here

NOT LEARNED: You cannot have a reasonable conversation with a person that has an altered sense of reality.  The moral of the story 'The Little Engine That Could' doesn't apply to this situation.  No matter how many times you say "I think I can!", it just won't happen.  I don't know why I still bother.

LEARNED:  Walking into a child's bedroom in the dark will result in some sort of foot injury.  This will wake up the sleeping child which you were trying to avoid disturbing by not turning on the light in the first place.

NOT LEARNED: Asking Ty questions is like having dental work without Novocaine.  Ty only gives me the precise answer to the question I ask.  He does not infer. Example in BOLD PRINT below:

Ty: "Hey, remember how you said you wanted to go camping?"

Me: "Yeah."

Ty: "Well, it looks like we are gonna go camping, but the house is gonna stay in the tent."

Me: "Huh?"

Ty: "The house is going to be in the tent."

Me: "Yeah, I heard you but what are you talking about?"

Ty: "It's worse than we thought."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Ty: "Well, we thought it was bad, but it ended up being worse than we thought initially."

Me: {audible sigh} "Yes, Ty, I understand that. But, what do you mean about the camping thing?"

Ty: "Oh, yeah the house."

Me: "Mmmm hmmm."

Ty: "Remember how I said we have termites?"

Me: "Ohhhh, the house has to be tented."

Ty: "Yeah."

BEWARE: Ms. Smarty Pants

Ms. Smarty Pants is the type of person who feels that everyone must know how wonderful she is. Like their purpose on this earth is to make sure that everyone looks at them in awe. In other words, a narcissist.  Ms. Smarty Pants wants more than anything for people to say things like, “Wow, Ms. Smarty Pants really knows what she’s talking about.” or “Look at what an amazing job Ms. Smarty Pants is doing.”.

Ms. Smarty Pants thinks that the only ideas that are good ideas are ones that she has come up with. If anyone else presents ideas to make things easier and more efficient, Ms. Smarty Pants shoots them down. She will explain to you in great detail, all of the things you should be doing in lieu of this idea that you’ve come up with. Her tone will be condescending and chiding. She will list out all of the things that you “should or could do”. Here presents a problem, because this list of things that she presents contains things that you are already doing or have already tried. Ms. Smarty Pants is not your superior. You are not her subordinate though she speaks to you as if you are. Ms. Smarty Pants may try to laugh off her 'superiority complex' by making light of the situation with a joke.  This is to try and make it seem as though she is the bigger person.  In reality, this only makes it more obvious to the other parties involved that she...is a nincompoop.

Ms. Smarty Pants will take advantage of every opportunity to make you look foolish. This peacock-ish performance is conducted in an effort to make herself look more advantageous. She is the hunter and you are the prey.
Below is a list of ways to fend off Ms. Smarty Pants and her arch.
1. Respond to her 'suggestions' with gibberish.
Ms. Smarty Pants: "You should be doing this."
You: "Flurple schmack woot."
2. After she lists out all of the things that you 'should be doing', that you are already doing, list them all back to her in reverse order. Also known as 'Yoda Speak'.
Ms. Smarty Pants: "Well, what you should be doing is calling, talking, emailing and coaching."
You: "Coaching, emailing, talking, and calling, I am."
3. When she tries to laugh off her behavior, respond by laughing with a grossly overstated chuckle.  Agree with her but be sure your agreement is dripping with sarcasm.
Ms. Smarty Pants: "Ha ha ha. Aren't I cute and funny with what I'm saying to try and salvage the impression people have of me?"
You:  "Ha ha ha haaaahhha  ahhhahha haahhha haah ahhhahh! You are so funny Ms. Smarty Pants."
Of course, the best thing to do is avoid Ms. Smarty pants entirely.  Unavoidable situations do occur so hopefully these suggestions of defense will help you if you ever find yourself in the company of Ms. Smarty Pants.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Spam Wars

From: Brittany Schaeffer
To: Mr. Utondu
Date: Fri, Sep 10, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Dear Mr. Utondu,
I have received your letter and was a little bothered by the excessive grammatical errors. One would think that if anyone had dealings with large amounts of money, such as the one you speak about in your letter, he would make sure that the letter is written using proper grammar and spelling. I have taken the liberty of making some suggestions on the email you sent me so that, going forward, you will have a more professional appearance to those you send this letter to. After all, a good scam artist must present himself well to the ones he is attempting to swindle.
In response to your letter, I must tell you that it caused considerable concern. I appreciate you telling me to calm down, but as I have seen letters like this before I was not surprised to receive it. I have been offered propositions similar to this one and because I already consider myself extremely wealthy, I have no need to participate in transactions such as these. Secondly, it seems as though you are asking me to lie about being the 'care-taker business associate' to Mr. Jin Sun. This is not something that I am comfortable doing. Lying, cheating, stealing and scamming are not activities that I participate in. I have learned that taking part in these sorts of dealings only manifests problems.
I would like to thank you kindly for considering me for this "transaction". I'm so honored that you took the time to select me out of the thousands of random email addresses I'm sure you have access to.
I hope that you have a wonderful day.
Duchess of Reality

From: Mr. Ashley Utondu
To: Brittany Schaeffer
Date: Sun, Sep 5, 2010 at 4:51 pm

The Desk of Mr Ashely Utondu
Audit/Remittance Department of
African Development Bank (ADB)
Auagadougou Burkina Faso

Dear Friend,


I know that this email will be a big surprise to you, but i (The letter 'I' is always capitalized when speaking about yourself.) want you to calm down and read very carefully.

I have a business which will be beneficial to both of us..(It is not necessary to use two periods at the end of any sentence, one usually does the trick. Unless you are using ellipses which is a whole other topic entirely.) the amount of money involved is ($5,700:000:00 (This should not have colons between the numbers.) five million seven hundred thousand US dollars) which i (Again you should always capitalize the letter 'I' when speaking about yourself.) want to transfer out of the country to your bank account, all to my financial benefit and yours too. (It would read better if you said ", for our financial benefit.") and also to take my wife abroad for treatment of liver damage. (I am curious to know how said liver damage occurred. Cirrhosis perhaps?)

This money is owned by a man called JIN SUN, a business commercialist in west-african regions. he (At the beginning of every sentence, you should always capitalize the first word.) has been dead since four years ago (2005) and since then, no claim has been placed on his bank account balance.

I want to transfer this money out of the country but such fund (Being that you are trying to transfer more than $1.00 {one US dollar} the word fund should be plural and therefore have an 's' at the end.) cannot be transferred without a next of kin attached to the fund. the (Seriously, you need to capitalize the first word of every sentence.) fund (The word 'fund' needs to be plural.)could be transferred in these (I think you mean 'this' way.) way; you shall present yourself as a business associate to the deceased person[JIN SUN) as details shall be that you are the care- taker business associate to mr. jin sun and his properties. (There are too many things wrong with the rest of this paragraph for me to list them all.)

I shall make available to you materials and information with which a successful claim shall be placed on the fund. i (Please capitalize the first word of every sentence.) shall also be your guidiance and instructor throughout the duration of this transaction so as to ensure a swift and sure transfer of the fund to your bank account.

As to your benefits, you shall be entitled to 40% of this fund for your co-operation in this transaction while 5% will be set aside for expences incured during the course of this transaction.

So if you are interested, send a reply to me immediately and in your reply please include your [private phone and your fax numbers] urgency has to be implied and this business must strictly be a deal between both of us.

Waiting for your urgent response so that i (The letter 'I' needs to be capitalized when speaking about yourself.) can move ahead and give you the indept (Do you mean 'in depth'?) details concerning this transaction and also the steps to take for a smooth transfer of the fund into your bank account.

Best Regards,

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Scents of Smell

One of the greatest compliments a child could give to their mother is taking a big whiff of you and then saying "Mommy, you always smell so good." I know this might sound weird but, it's true. If you think about it, you can almost smell all of your memories. Fond or not. I know exactly what my mom smells like. I remember exactly how my grandmother's crawfish etoufee smelled (that I have tried without success to duplicate more than once). I can recall the smell of the homes of each one of my family members and friends.

Who doesn't love the smell of a brand new baby? The emotions associated with that 'new baby' smell is happiness and excitement. (Ty, your comments are not welcome here.) I believe that scents can be associated with almost every emotion. When you're feeling happy, chances are you'll remember what scents you smelled when you were happiest. Such as Thanksgiving dinner and being surrounded by family and friends. The onions and garlic, the turkey...you get the idea.

Such a simple phrase may seem so meaningless. But it's not. To me, it means that she feels safe. That my scent is comfort and warmth. Happiness and contentment. That she loves me so much that she wants to take in every last drop of me right down to the smell. I must say that it makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

Friday, May 7, 2010

I am...I love...I have...

I am beautiful. I love my family. I have everything. I am thin. I love life. I have gratitude. I am wise. I love sleeping. I have happiness. I am helpful. I love my job. I have power. I am honest. I love people. I have a home. I am intelligent. I love peace. I have wealth. I am at ease. I love my body. I have a wonderful heart. I am sucessful. I love laughter. I am thoughtful. I love myself. I have ability.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Exterminating Rats

Now that the warmer weather has shown it's face, the rodents and other critters have come out of hiding. And they're hungry. Ty and I found these really cool rat traps at Lowe's that you can set with one hand. I am not brave enough to set the other kind. It might have something to do with the fact that they can break your fingers. Anyway, since last weekend, we've caught 8 rats. The kids like to 'help' my coming with me to check them in the morning. One of the traps can be seen from the window in our kitchen. This is the one that we usually check first because we don't have to go outside. This morning, Tommy got up and I asked him if he wanted to check the rat trap with me. He agreed and so I opened the blinds in the kitchen. He climbed up on a chair and looked out the window. Sure enough, we caught number 9! While I was silently 'WOO HOO-ing" in my mind, Tommy says "Mommy! The rat is stuck! He's crying...He want's his mommy!" I didn't know how to respond, quite frankly. But, it was so cute that he felt bad about the rat being 'stuck'. Gosh I love my kids...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Obsessed Much?

As most of you already know, Tommy is potty trained. Except at night we put him in pullups. More often than not when he wakes up it's wet. You might also remember that Tommy is a growly gus when he wakes up. So he woke up this morning yelling from his room, as usual. Ty told Emma to go and get him. She said "He's gonna yell at me." but being the good girl that she is she did as she was told. The moment she stepped into his room he started yelling "No, Emma, go away!". With a defeated sigh, she walked away and said "See...he always yells at me.". I thanked her for trying and got him out of bed myself. We walked back into the kitchen where the smell of breakfast cooking was rapidly filling the air. That seemed to lighten his mood so I put him sitting in the chair to wait for breakfast. Being a little boy, he is obsessed with his ummm, member. I think for boys it's like a built in toy. He still had his pullup on and it was wet but not wanting to bombard him with bathroom talk I waited until he was ready. I've gotten pretty confident that he'll tell me when he needs to go rather than having an accident. He was sitting in the chair slapping the pullup and he blurts out "Look mommy! I have a big penis!" Wow... All I can say it that I'm glad that this was said in the privacy of our own home rather than in line at the store.