“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface but paddling like the dickens underneath.”

~Michael Caine

Friday, September 17, 2010

Schaeffer Sh*t-Chat

Ty and I have some very strange and interesting conversations.  I wanted to start a section on my blog with transcripts of these conversations.  I knew I wanted to name this section 'Schaeffer (word that starts with 'S')".  So I started the recorder and asked him, knowing that it would be good blog material. 

Me: "What is another word for talking that starts with 'S'?"

Ty: "Soliloquy?"

Me: "Isn't that some sort of poem? Or some kind of like way of writing, or..."

Ty: "It's when an actor talks to himself."

Me: "No wait, lemme rephrase the question. What's another word for a conversation that starts with 'S'?"

Ty: "What's another word for conversation? Dialogue? Is that what you're talking about?"

Me: "No like another word for talking, conversation, chit-chat...but something that starts with 'S'."

Ty: "Ummm repartee?"

Me: "Yeah, that's an 'R'."

Ty: "Ok...shit-chat?"

Me: {laughing} "That's actually pretty good. Shit-chat?"

Ty: {using his new found word in a sentence} "He wasn't saying anything, he just wanted to shit-chat with me."

Me: {starting to laugh hysterically} "Thats actually really good."

Ty: "Ty's made up words of the day!"

Me: "Uhhh, it's not really a word. Well, you didn't make up the word shit."

Ty: "I did make up the word shit-chat."

Me: "No you didn't, it's not a word its a phrase."

Ty: "It's not a phrase its a word there is a hyphen. Its one word."

Me: {scoff, sigh}

Ty: "Hyphens don't separate words they combine words."

Me: "Ok but, you didn't make up the word shit..."

Ty: "No."

Me: "...and you didn't make up the word chat."

Ty: "No, no."

Me: "You married the words."

Ty: "Chefs don't like, make up spaghetti..."

Me: {giggling again}

Ty: "...ok? They use it in a special way. {imitating someone arguing with a chef?} 'This is just spaghetti...'"

Me: {speaking through laughter} "So you made a word recipe???"

Ty: "Yes...yes, trademark Ty. {imitating the person arguing with the chef again} '...all you did was season tomato sauce.' {imitating the chef} 'Yes, that's what I do.'"

Me: {still laughing}

Ty: {imitating the person arguing with the chef again} "'Its not like you made a tomato.'"

Me: {hysteria} "I love you"

Ty: "I love you too."

Some time goes by where I think I'm actually going to have the opportunity to go to sleep.  Then he starts again.

 Ty: "I need another word for...laxative...that starts with an 'R'."

Me: {laughing again} "What???"

Ty: "You don't have the patent on making rules." {pause} "Pantalones."

Me: "Wait...pantalones is a word that starts with 'R' that also means laxative?"

Ty: "This is my game and my rules."

Me: {giggling again} "Ok..."

Ty: {sighs} "Secrets."

Me: "That's pretty good actually, that might work...I think I still like shit-chat though. It's hard to say shit-chat without it sounding like shit-shat. Ya know?"

Ty: {laughing}

Me: {speaking through laughter} "Like shit in preset tense and shit in past tense." {laughing again}

Ty: "Brittany, it doesn't just talk about all types of content, it transcends time. Present and past."

Me: {still laughing} "Ok..."

Ty: "Shit-shat."

Me: "Shit-shat."

Ty: {imitating} "'We were just sitting around shit-chatting.' No you can say it, I can't say it, but you can say it. I bet Nancy can say it."

Me: "Say what?"

Ty: "F*cking shit-chat. Say it like that."

Me: "Oh like from my class?"

Ty: "Mmm hmm."

Me: "What??? That doesn't work. I guess I woul...{sigh}"

Ty: "Sharing, sharing can be..."

Me: "No, no it's like an action, it needs to be a noun."

Ty: "Talking is not a noun, it's a verb."

Me: "That's what I mean." {laughing again}

Ty: {laughing}

Me: {laughing}

Ty: {imitating me} "'Wait, wait, wait it doesn't have to begin with 'S'...that not what I mean. It just has to be a color.'"

Me: {hysteria}

Ty: {laughing}

Me: "Ok...I love you. Goodnight."

Ty: "Sharing is a verb too, by the way."

Me: "But that's not the kinda verb I meant.  I meant like a..."

Ty: "Do you want an adverb?"

Me: {laughing again} "I meant like, uh...I don't know." {yawn}


At this point I've given up my argument and have finally decided to succumb to slumber.  Or so I thought...

Ty: {the sheets are rustling as he tosses and turns}
Me: "What are you doing?"
Ty: "Getting under the covers for a few minutes before..."
Me: "Oh, stop whining."
Ty: "...you steal them."
Me: "I don't steal the covers. I lay very still all night long. You toss and turn and flip and flop and kick your feet all night long. And I wake up in the same position that I fell asleep in. Almost. I am perfect. Sort of."
There is silence for a little while, but that's just the sound of the delirium kicking in.  This is where things stop making sense.
Ty: "Sorbet. Sorbet is a word that starts with 'S' and is a noun that can't be a verb."
Me: {laughing} "Stop it! I have to go to sleep."
Ty: "It could be a color too."
Me: "Sorbet is a color?"
Ty: "Could be. Pudding is a color."
Me: "Really? But, what if it's like pistachio pudding?  How could pudding, all by itself, be a color?"
Ty: "Red."
Me: "Red pudding?! What???"
Ty: "Red's a color...could be red pistachio pudding."
Me: {laughing} "I've never heard of...OK! Shut up because I have to go to sleep. I love you."
Ty: "Now I'm hungry."
Me: {giggling}
Ty: "You know what you never have in pistachio flavored ice cream?"
Me: "No Ty, what do you never have in pistachio flavored ice cream."
Ty: "Nuts."
Me: "Sure you do."
Ty: "No, there's never pistachio nuts."
Me: "Oh my god, I am going to go to the store and buy pistachio ice cream and show you that there are pistachio nuts in pistachio ice cream."
Ty: "Maybe I'm thinking yogurt."
Me: "Ewww, nuts in yogurt?"
Ty: "Is that what the problem is? It's just the flavor huh? That's what it is. Yogurt."
Me: "I guess they have nuts in granola."
Ty: "Not in yogurt."
Me: "And granola goes good with yogurt."
Ty: "Well, frozen yogurt, I should have said."
Me: "I don't know...No, I like granola in my yogurt yogurt. Not frozen yogurt."
Ty: "As a topping?"
Me: "Yeah."
Ty: "But, it doesn't come in it."
Me: "Right, yeah...that would be weird if it like sat on the shelf for a really long time with the nuts and the..."
Ty: "It's not on a shelf, it's in a machine."
Me: "No, I'm talking about the yogurt that you buy at the grocery store on the shelf."
Ty: "I'm talking about frozen yogurt. I said ice cream but I meant frozen yogurt."
Me: "Oh. No, there's never any nuts in pistachio flavored frozen yogurt. You are correct. Where do you get this stuff?"
Ty: "You're the one that brought up pistachios."
Me: "No I didn't! Did I? How did I bring up pistachios?"
Ty: "The pudding."
Me: "Oh, right. That's right. Ok."
Then we both fell fast asleep.

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